Just a heads up – this is going to be less blog post and more brain dump.
My life is so good right now – I have Josh and Henry, we have our amazing family and our beautiful home and our sweet dogs. We have food and a roof and clothes. We laugh often and we sleep well. But lately I’ve struggled to shake the feeling that I’m not soaking up as much as I could be. This morning on my drive to work, I started thinking about time. How I’m spending my time now. And how I could be doing so much better.
Here’s an example: there isn’t a single song on Top 40 radio that I love right now — or even one that I like especially much. And yet every morning for an hour and a half, I sit in my car and listen to obnoxious DJs and the same 10 songs. Seven and a half hours a week. I spend the equivalent of a full workday (minus lunch!) every week listening to people I don’t like say things I don’t agree with, punctuated by songs I don’t want to listen to.
If I were writing an advice column, I would tell a person in my shoes to find a good podcast, or start listening to audio books. Just like Alice in Wonderland (and probably a myriad of other people), I give myself very good advice — but I very seldom follow it. I am great at setting goals and then terrible at holding myself accountable or reporting progress or following through. How many times have I pledged to lose the same 5 pounds? To run a race, to read a book, to cook a meal? It’s embarrassing to look back and see how many times I’ve made a liar of myself. To face the cold, hard truth of the matter: I am a great talk-talker, and a terrible walk-walker.
I’ve been trying lately to make myself better. I want to set goals and meet them and feel proud of myself for what I am able to accomplish. I want to write my book. I want to use my time wisely. I want to nourish my family, my brain, and my body because I am so lucky to have all three.
When I started this blog, I wanted to have a place to collect my memories and gather my thoughts and practice my writing. But I keep stumbling into the trap that I think a lot of us fall into – worrying about numbers and readers and analytics and comments. The truth of the matter is that none of that matters. I’m not a professional blogger. I’m not going to get “blog famous” or make my living from affiliate links photos of outfits and dinner plates. Someone recently asked me to point them toward the posts on my blog that I think are the best, most honest representation of me. As I looked through this blog’s history, I was struck by two things.
1) My favorite posts are the moments of honest reflection on my life.
2) Those posts are far too rare.
I’m changing things up around here. I’m going to start writing again – when I feel like it, about what I feel like. If you’re interested and want to read along, that’s wonderful! I’m all about building a community, and I love making friends. If you follow me on twitter or subscribe to this blog’s RSS, you’ll still be notified when I post something new. But that’s it. I don’t need a Facebook page. I don’t need to cross-promote every post across every available social channel. I am a person, not a business -
But I’m going to stop counting the people who come read this blog, and I’m going to stop worrying about getting my name or my “brand” out there. I’m pulling the Stats and Google Analytics off my WordPress dashboard. I’m not going to stress over Facebook thumbnails or my number of re-pins. Because when I start worrying about stats and readership, I stop writing honestly. And that defeats the whole purpose.
So there. That’s where I am. I want to write about my life. I want to make my life better. And I want to write about making my life better. Here I go.